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Tips for Christian Dating: 7 Tips on How to Set Boundaries

April 20, 2017 Nina Daugherty 6 Comments

Updated: January 22, 2019

Tips for Christian Dating: 7 Tips on How to Set Boundaries

Tips for Christian dating can help in the sometimes grueling process of Christian dating. One of the questions that gets asked a lot is, “How do I set up boundaries?” Setting up boundaries is extremely important because everyone has to be on the same page with each other. I know it was one of the elements that helped my hubby and stay on track with our goal to stay sexually pure throughout our dating relationship.

It was something we could point back to when challenges arrived. If we didn’t do that, there was a huge possibility that our plans would’ve failed.

Setting boundaries helps your relationship start off on the right foot and keep your focus heavenward rather than bedroomward (I just made that word up…it’s okay…it’s going to happen a lot..loll). Boundaries are going to look different for everyone because we are all in different places either geographically or spiritually. Like my Youth Pastor said on a similar topic, “Modesty is contextual; purity is non-negotiable.” It’s the same thing with boundaries.

I know when I was dating my husband I not only had to set boundaries but I found as time went on and feelings grew I had to reset some boundaries too. For example, when we first started dating, sitting on the couch while watching a movie was no big deal. Six months later it became a big deal because now we were more comfortable with each other and we fell in love.

Sexual purity is a journey not a destination.

Sometimes you may stumble, veer off course, get lost, get found (no not Paper Towns..loll), get tired, etc. but decide you will prevail and you will! So here we go!

7 Christian Dating Tips on How to Set Boundaries

Christian Dating Tip #1: Know your boundaries.

Before you ever get into a relationship, talk out boundaries with a trusted Godly family member, friends, Pastors, mentors, or anyone who is a supporter of your decision.

Write them down for future reference, know what they are and look like, even have your people to test you on it.

The question is often asked, “Well how far is too far?” I say imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend asking you the same question in regards to their actions with another person. Think about how you feel when they ‘Heart’ someone else’s IG picture, laugh a little too loud at their jokes, play fight, hold hands, constantly compliment, and flirt. We get mad at those things so imagine what God feels like when you flirt with the devil.

“How far is too far?” More like, “Is it worth more than what Jesus did for you on the Cross?”

Don’t play with this question either. It’s easy to get into a tug of war with words and limits but remember He was serious about our love for us. We need to be serious about our love for Him. I only say this because more than I want you to succeed, God wants you to succeed, and the devil wants you to fail in the most humiliating type of way.

When you know what boundaries are, you are able to talk about them, and defend them if needed. If you are already in a relationship, even if you feel like you already crossed some boundaries, reset yourself, sit down, do the steps above, then hit the Jesus ‘Restart’ button (yes you can do that and we all have one!) and get back on your sexual purity journey.

Christian Dating Tip #2: Say it right from the beginning!

If there is ANY inkling that you and the other person have feelings for each other, there is potential for a relationship, or any other feelings that is a step out of the friendship zone then let them know immediately that you are waiting for marriage to have sex. I did this the first time my hubby and I hung out alone. I let him know in a very indirect way what my intentions were so if his intentions weren’t aligned he was able to go somewhere else because it wasn’t happening here!

Honestly, everyone should know where you stand because it won’t come as a surprise to anyone.

When this happens people will do the work for you and warn the person ahead of time so may not even need to feel awkward about bringing it up but just be confident in answering questions.

Be proud of it too! Sometimes people don’t want to say anything because they are embarrassed.

If YOU are proud, confident, know your worth, know what you want, AND will defend your stance, then people will grow to respect it as a part of you.

Defend it! Defend it like a Mama Bear with her cub! Growl, growl, scratch, GROWL!

Christian Dating Tip #3: Make a game plan.

Decide now the dos and don’ts of your dating. For instance, make it a rule not to go into each other’s bedrooms even if your parents say its ok. I remember going over my boyfriend’s houses when I was a teen and their parents being totally ok with us being in a bedroom, with the door locked, and giving us privacy. I’m sure you already know the problems that came from that. Even if they say ok, say “No way”! I know that was corny but it’s going to happen a lot in my writing so get used to it (and still love me..please..loll)!

Also, write them down so you both can go back to it! Make a list and check it more than twice (I warned you…the corn is real people!). Add to it, if you need to but definitely have a starting game plan.

Christian Dating Tip #4: Ask people to help you.

I had a friend who was in her twenties and asked me to help her with purity by texting her every few minutes or so because her fiancé was coming over to her apartment to watch a movie. So I did! Every few minutes to an hour I would text and then we had an honest conversation when he left. She wanted to know someone was holding her accountable and trusted I would follow through.

Ask those around you who support your decision to stay pure NOT the ones that are going to support you in the opposite direction, you know who those people are.

Stay FAR away from that influence. Genuine people who genuinely want you to succeed don’t mind helping!

Christian Dating Tip #5: Check in with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

This simply means to check in and see if you two need to make adjustments to your boundaries, where you are going to for support, what are your goals, and the reasons behind your wait.

These will all help you reset your focus and remember why you are on this journey to begin with.

I remember when my husband and I were within one month of getting married we decided to not kiss anymore because it became too tempting and we had our goal in mind. It was difficult but when it came to “You may kiss the bride” it was definitely worth the wait! Yaowwww! #marriageswag (Im infamous for this hashtag in my circle..and trust me it is definitely a thing).

Christian Dating Tip #6: Write down purity scriptures (even the scary ones).

This helps for a number of reasons. First, it will remind you of God’s commandments. Yes, He wants you to wait until marriage. Yes, there will be consequence even in the context of forgiveness if you decide not to. It is what it is! Second, it will help you battle the devil, truth against lies.

The devil WILL be making an appearance so might as well be prepared.

Third, it helps give you encouragement and direction for your purity journey. Fluffing your spiritual feathers always feels like a breath of fresh air. Lastly, its scripture! It never hurts to keep the promises of God memorized especially when your bible just happens to be in the other room. (Quick Tip: Buy a bunch of bibles and put them in all the rooms in your home where you like to visit the most so there’s never an excuse!)

Christian Dating Tip #7: PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!

You can do ALL thing in Jesus Christ who gives you strength! (See Philip. 4:13) Pray about it in the morning! Pray about it in the evening! Pray about it at suppertime! (This sounds similar to a commercial and I’m dying trying to figure out which one but I can’t Google it right now; I’m writing to you!)

Pray and remember the key words are IN JESUS CHRIST! If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be talking to you today! He WILL give you the strength because He has given you the Holy Spirit. One part of the fruit of the Spirit is self-control (See Gal. 5:22-23). So I’m sorry but if you or someone who is a believer in Christ tries to say, “I just can’t control myself!”, you or they are a Liar Liar, pants on fire! You have Jesus, you have the Holy Spirit, you have self-control!

I pray this helps you in your journey. If you have any questions or want me to add further detail to any of the tips above, let me know and I’ll gladly do that for you. I pray for protection over you in your journey of sexual purity. I pray you and your boyfriend or girlfriend will see this not as a burden but as a heavenly challenge that you are both gladly accepting because at the end of the day it’s about love, it’s about Christ, and it’s not just about sex.

Baskets of Blessings!

Nina Daugherty

Teenage Questions and Answers: Top 10 Questions Christian Teens Have About Sex

April 12, 2017 Nina Daugherty 8 Comments

Updated: January 23, 2019

Teenage Questions and Answers: Top 10 Questions Teens Have About Sex

Teenage questions and answers are a popular topic especially with topics like sex, relationships, and dating. I decided to do some research on what the top questions teens had about sex because I was really curious as to what’s going on in your beautiful minds and if anything has changed since I was one.

I read some popular teen magazines to hear what their reader’s top questions were and the magazine’s answers to them. After I woke up from the floor and drank some water, I decided this post was mission critical!

Reading the magazine’s answers to these questions made me realize why my former teen year old self was as sexual as she was.

When you don’t have Godly parents or mentors to speak truth into your life, you’re left with what the world deems as “okay” or “harmless” and even labeled as “great advice”. All hidden amongst the fabulous pictures of the latest fashion, celebrity stories, and perfume samples.

The advice I read made me so grateful God called me to the sexual purity ministry. I truly love all of you and don’t mind sharing my crazy testimony (fancy word for my personal story of how I came to Christ) at all because I want to help you all achieve life the way God INTENDED!

I did it the world’s way and I did it God’s way. Let me tell you! God’s way is way better.

With the world, I got an STD, an abortion, a divorce, broken relationships, abusive relationships, you name it! With God, I received forgiveness, purpose, an amazing husband (who is fine…extra bonus feature), and beautiful children, and countless other blessings.

If I could go back and give sex advice to my teen year old self, it definitely wouldn’t have been ANY of what I read. [Frantically searching for my water] Anyway, down below if what I would have said. If you’re interested, keep reading and if you’re not, keep reading. I mean you made it this far, right? Might as well!

So, let’s get to it! Here are some of the questions that aren’t directly quoted but are a consensus of the majority of what I read. I’ve also added some questions I remember having as a teen year old (totally made that word up…don’t be mad), questions I’ve been asked by teens, and there are some questions I believe the Holy Spirit whispered some questions to my heart to answer for you. Grab some popcorn, a latte (maybe not at the same time or maybe at the same time…no judgment zone here), and scroll to your heart’s desire.

Teenage Questions and Answers:

Q: How long should I wait until I have sex?

A: You probably already know what I’m going to say. You wait until marriage! Yes, I know. Stay with me!

Sex was never given to be something you do as a hobby, job, or for pure entertainment.

It was given as a gift to a bride and groom as a binding contract (I know it doesn’t sound very romantic but it’s actually very romantic). Binding contract simply meaning, “My beloved is mine and I am his…” (Song of Solomon 2:16). That’s right! None of the, “Is he going to call me?”, the infamous “walk of shame”, or “How long should I wait to talk to him?” questions and issues that come up.

I mean really think about it. How can you possibly count how many days, hours, or minutes are deemed worthy enough to give away your body and be completely vulnerable and under a judgmental eye of someone you barely know?

Some of us are self-conscious walking to a seat in the lunchroom. Now add that awkwardness times a thousand when you’re at the mercy of someone who did not make a commitment of marriage (doing not just saying) to protect, honor, and love you forever!

Marriage is God’s protection.

Q: What if I already had sex?

A: People think purity is only for virgins. So not true! I didn’t start my sexual purity journey until I was in my mid-twenties, divorced, and as a single Mom! When God says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Cor. 5:17)” He means IT! I don’t care if you’re lying in bed with someone right now, reading this, and decide, “That’s it! I’m going to be a born-again virgin.”, get dressed, and leave. Done!

Jesus Christ died for our freedom so when we repent, decide, and commit to being just that, it’s done!

There is no timeframe on choosing His way. We don’t have to wait 3-5 business days or wait at least 48 hours. It’s done! No one has the power or authority to say anything against it.

You are allowed the VERY second you decide to be different, to actually start acting different.

Why? Because He said so!

Q: What if I want to have sex?

A: You may be saying, “Hey, I want to have sex. I think it’s fun. I enjoy it and other people. What’s the big deal?” I get it. Sex was made to be enjoyed.

However, it was meant to be enjoyed within certain boundaries so you can fully enjoy sex to the extent and satisfaction God deemed it to be. That’s IN marriage.

If you have declared with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior but declare with your body something completely opposite, then you are aligning your destiny with the devil and not Christ. Hey, yolo right? (I know that word is totally outdated but I had no other option available) NO! The devil wants you to DIE, plain and simple. Sorry, but it’s true. No sugar coating it here especially since I live with an STD.

I can firmly say, “The devil wants to DESTROY you and if you take yourself out of God’s protection, he will do just that.”

“Fun” no longer becomes “fun” when you’ve been through multiple breakups, have an STD, shame, guilt, etc., or worse no feelings at all.

Q: How do I tell my boyfriend or girlfriend I don’t want to have sex?

A: Simple. “Hey [enter boyfriend or girlfriend’s name], I don’t want to have sex.” I know, I know, that’s too easy and there’s feelings involved including being scared that you’ll lose the relationship, etc.

One sure preventative way to help set you up for success is to say it BEFORE you catch feelings with anyone, date them, start getting close, you get the point.

When you have strong convictions it is that much easier to stand on them. Shoot, shout it from the rooftops so everyone knows you are waiting for marriage. This way everyone’s on the same page and it’s not a surprise when you fall back to your default answer of “Nope!” when you are asked. Otherwise, have your friend text it to them for you. Oh, c’mon! Like you don’t do it for other things?!

No but seriously, if you can’t have an honest conversation where you feel completely comfortable talking about your convictions (aka your want to wait for marriage to have sex), then it seems as if you don’t trust your partner. I would definitely take some time to think about why that is and if you need to be in relationship at all right now.

Q: What if my boyfriend or girlfriend want to have sex and I don’t?

A: It’s always difficult when it comes to matters of the heart to be completely honest because we feel that we may lose the relationship. My question to you is, “Do you trust God?”

The minute we replace God with something or someone else we are basically saying, “I don’t trust you with my happiness and I believe I found something better.”

This should never be the case. God must always stay on the throne of your life because only He knows exactly where your happiness lies. If they truly love you, then they will wait. If they don’t have the best intentions for you, then they won’t. You will be happy later when you stand your ground because then you get to see what they really want, your heart or just your body.

Q: What if I said I want to have sex and now I don’t?

A: I remember saying a lot of things whether it was wanting to have sex or do sexual things because I thought that’s what they wanted to hear or I thought it was cool (I really did…all the popular girls were doing it so I thought I could too). Unfortunately, I found myself in situations where I felt pressured to actually go through with whatever it was I said I would do even when I didn’t want to.

If this is the case with you, again honesty is the best policy. If you feel too scared, have a mentor, parent, or friend write it out for you, help you talk it out, etc.

Strength is in numbers so if you need to bring someone with you, then do it.

Sometimes we just don’t know the right words or we are bound or have feelings for someone in such a way that it can paralyze us. It’s okay to have someone help and hopefully you can learn how to do it for yourself the next time. It’s all about learning how to find your voice and using it God’s way.

Q: What if my parents don’t mind if I have sex?

A: Unfortunately, there are some parents who don’t care, don’t know better, may provide the opportunity for you to do it, feel like you’re not a man or woman until you have sex, whatever this looks like to you remember it is YOUR life. I remember having friends whose parents could care less if they were in a room by themselves with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

The reality is we all have to stand before God one day and saying, “Well my parents said it was okay,” does not supersede (fancy word for to take the place of) God’s Word.

This is where you may need to lean heavily on the strength of your mentors, Pastors, accountability people, and ask God for help. This may also be a chance to be an example for your parents. Discuss with them why you are waiting!

Many people have been inspired by young people because of their convictions and love for God.

Whether or not your parents are believers (there are some believing parents for some reason who think it’s okay), this may be their chance to see how it’s done God’s way and could possibly change their own thinking and behavior.

Q: What if my parents want me to have sex and I don’t?

A: It really hurts me to answer this question because this is such an attack from the enemy and I would never put my children in this predicament. Unfortunately, this is the reality of many of you.

Regardless of your age, your first obligation is to obey God first.

In the bible it talks about honoring and obeying your Mother and Father (see Eph. 6:1-4). However, there is a double responsibility. First, children are to honor and obey. Second, parents are to bring their children up in the way of the Lord and not provoke them.

Premarital sex or sexual acts are NOT in the way of the Lord.

Therefore, you do not have to honor or obey your parents in this instance. Honoring God comes first, say no, and ask for help if necessary because there may be a bigger issue if you are being forced to do something you don’t want to do.

Q: What if I don’t have sex but do other things instead?

A: This goes along with the question I’ve heard asked many times, “How far is too far?” The bottom line of this question is the heart issue. Can you imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend asking you, “How far is too far for it to considered cheating?” You would probably answer, “Pretty much anything or anyone that takes the place of me in your heart!”

Being super flirty, sexting, maybe just a little kiss, doing other things but “not really” having sex, all these things and more we would probably consider cheating. I know I would! This is most likely how God feels, “Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God”, (Exo. 34:14). We’ve seen many online videos of what jealousy looks like.

The Lord loves you and wants the best for you but if you step outside the boundaries He set in place…that’s all I’m going to say because the outcome will look different for everyone.

Scared? Good! STDs are not fun and that’s just one example of stepping outside of God’s protection and doing it the world’s way. Take my word for it, please!

Q: Why should I wait and do it God’s way?

A: So, I left this question for last because by now I pray you can answer this question for yourself. Is it too cliché to say, “Because He said so”? This answer in itself should be more than enough but even within biblical history that answer wasn’t enough for humans. Why?

It always comes down to the heart of the matter.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9) Right now I can’t think of a time when Jesus was confronted with a question where He didn’t point to their heart condition. We have to ask ourselves, “Do we love God? Do we really love Him? Do we trust Him? Do we trust He has way better for us than we could ever imagine?”

Check your heart my beautiful people. God already proved His love for us, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

Allow this scripture to be your life song. Please don’t just push it off as some overused Christian quote. It’s the proof we can set our hearts and life on.

It’s time our behavior starts to catch up with our faith.

Will there be struggles along the way? Yes. Will we mess up sometimes? Yes. However, that doesn’t give us the option to not try (see Romans 6:1-7). If you wait and see, the Lord WILL bless you abundantly.

Phew! This was a long one and if you made it this far, you are the real MVP, “Motivated Valuable Person” who strived to make it all the way through this post. I try to be as real as I can in answering these questions because life can be really real sometimes. Can I get an amen?!

Please know I absolutely have your best interest at heart and 100% want you to succeed in this journey of sexual purity. I pray this post blessed you and if there are any other questions you may have about sexual purity or something you may want me to elaborate on (fancy word for talk more about), feel free to contact me. There will be other posts to come. Check out the other posts on the blogsite. There may be an answer already on here for you.

Baskets of Blessings,

Nina D.

Guest Post: Candi’s Testimony Overcoming Masturbation & Low-Self Esteem

April 6, 2017 Nina Daugherty Leave a Comment

Updated: January 6, 2018

Hello my beautiful people. I came across this Instagram page: Candi7777 https://www.instagram.com/candi7777 and I was gripped by her testimony so much so that I teamed up with her to share it with you. I know I have helped young women deal with these same issues and I know there are still others out there still struggling. Here’s another voice and testimony on how to overcome these issues.

It’s an honest portrayal of her journey. I pray it will be a blessing to you as it has been a blessing to read. Don’t forget to ‘LIKE and SHARE if you know someone else who can be blessed by it. Enjoy!

Candi’s Testimony Overcoming Masturbation & Low-Self Esteem

I have always struggled with self-acceptance and completely loving all of myself. My self-esteem in my younger years was low and as I transition into adulthood, it pretty much stayed there.

The home is where most people receive their validation and love (well at least this should be the place!) However, this was not the case for me. I was not raise in a traditional two-parent household. I did not have parental figures telling me I was beautiful. None of that was going on!

So naturally, my validation came from the world, I looked to see what others thought about me! From my peers and fellow classmates (by no means credible sources). Kids can be cruel and words do hurt. However, they were only speaking my own insecurities what I had already thought about myself. I was “too skinny”, “too dark”, and “ugly”. So, when the “perceptions” I thought of myself was confirmed by others around me, it just became my truth.

I was too skinny, too dark & ugly!

The reason my self-esteem was so low was because I was looking for someone else (outside of Christ) to validate me to tell me that I was beautiful. I struggled with no one liking me ENOUGH to be in a relationship with me. Because being in a relationship was the epitome of my “self-acceptance & self-worth.” Being in a relationship with someone meant I was accepted, loved and wanted by someone. A relationship is what I would always chase but always end up empty handed.

Due to the unhealthy perception I had of myself, I would find myself in so many uncompromising situations as it relates to my sexual integrity, which would in turn push my self-esteem down even more. All because I just wanted someone to like me!

Never going as far as having sex, but dang near close enough to not be wearing a promise ring (which I had by the way). As a Christian girl and now adult, this cycle continued. I knew God and the right things to do but my need for wanting to be liked overruled what God said or says about me. Yeah God told me I was beautiful, but that was not enough. As He God, He thinks everyone is beautiful. He made us and created us. He would never say we were nothing less. What I needed was a physical human being to tell me I was beautiful.

My life came crashing down at the age of 21 when insecurities got the best of me and I was raped. This catapulted into a spiral of one poor choice, after another poor choice. All in the name of wanting someone to like me. My self-esteem, however, reached the all-time lowest point when masturbation became my master. It ruled over me and I was its slave.

This sexual sin was something that had me stuck in a vicious cycle. So now not only didn’t men like me enough to be in a relationship, I did not like me. Now I am for sure God did not like me either. How could He, and why would He? I was a mess and disgusted with myself. Living in silence was also the worst part no one knew I was battling with this addiction alone. It was eating me up and tearing my self-esteem into micro-mini pieces.

It was not until I started to share my struggle with people I could trust that I start to work on putting an end to this addiction. Even then, I would still keep making the same mistakes to where I even lost a good friendship over my addictive habit. This addiction needed to end, but I knew I could not do it alone. It was not doing my self-esteem any good and I was starting to loss my identity. I did not know who I was anymore. Candi? “Who was she?” I was lost.

I was born and raised a Christian. I enjoyed church and my friends I had while at church. They accepted me and I never had to prove myself to them. I was actively involved in church as a child, a teenager, and young adult (I sang in the choir, I was a praise dancer, participated in church plays). Even now as an adult, I sing on the praise team. Church has always been a part of my life. With that said, even though church was a part of my life, I had not made God, the Lord over my life. I claimed to love Him but I did not really believe He could deliver me or love me the way He loved everyone else. I mean I did all the things (well at least all the things) a Christian should do. I obeyed my grandmother, listen to my teachers, got good grades, never cussed, and did what I was told. However, this struggle with masturbation created a separation between God and me. I did not know how to get close to Him to build a close relationship with Christ. God told me one time, “Candi you love me but you don’t know me. Each time I would mess up and fall into sexual immorality, I felt as if God did not accept me or approve me. I was reliving my school-age years all over again, now only with Jesus, and this was a tough pill to swallow. If Jesus did not like me then shoot, no one would ever like me. This discouraged my heart and left my self-esteem damaged.

It was not until about 2 years ago, I got serious about my walk with Christ. I was tired of going through the motions. I wanted a real relationship with the Lord. Most importantly, I just wanted to be healed and whole. I was willing to do whatever it took to be healed, I was desperate and I could not take the pain anymore. In that moment, I prayed and I ask God to help me in these areas of masturbation, self-acceptance, and low self-esteem. He surrounded me with some accountability partners that help me in my journey. It was during that time, I started to really focus on the areas within myself that I had been too afraid to confront. Rejection and abandonment were my too biggest issues. I had always dealt with the symptoms of my problems but not really addressed the root. I was not until I gave these areas to the Lord that I started to see myself how God views me. However, do not allow me to mislead you. This internal transformation did not happen overnight. I did not stop masturbating right away. There was a process. However, it was not until I started to see how my addiction started to affect my relationships with God that I knew I needed to make some serious changes if I wanted to be healed and whole completely. Today I still meet with my accountability partners on a weekly basis to discuss my progress and process. Today, I can confidently say, I do not need anyone to validate my self-worth. God has and still does call me beautiful. Simply put, I am enough!

Game Over Control Alt Delete (Poem)

Author Candi M. Marsh

Written in September 2012

Uhm…..okay so where do I began, I think I was 8 no 12, no 11, no I was 10.

Fourteen is when it all began. Fourteen is when my life and my identity had been taken over by sin. The sin of choice? Well it’s called “lust.” I ran track in high school so I left the Holy Spirit in the dust.

Fourteen, I said, is when it all began; when I became attracted to sin, or should I say it became attracted to me, I was young naïve I had not developed my inner beauty.

Not fond of my size, my skin or my face, when he said I was beautiful into his arms I embraced. All I wanted really was my “very first kiss” but I got so much more, the kissed it was nice, then he touched me “down there” I did not like it; it did not feel right.

I knew it was wrong but I was too scared to say anything, so I just played along. Ashamed of my actions; by what had just taken place I told no one because I felt like such a disgrace. I could not bear the look of disapproval on their face.

Brought up in the church how could I let this be? I am the holy Christian girl; you don’t do “those things.”

I keep my secret deep inside; nobody knew but the pain in my heart grew. The game never ended I kept playing along, I search deep inside myself trying to sing my song, Titled, “Can-di you can be free” but I guess there was a mix tape because I kept singing the sin song “lust lives inside of me.”

With each encounter I came across I played more and more; always thought I was doing good cause I never let them score.

I wore my celibacy ring proud, glad I did not lose my virginity, yet all the while I was losing my identity.

Masking my pain by doing well in school… all “A’s and no C’s;

I felt if I was “little miss goody two shoes,” no one would see the hurt inside of me.

If I appeared like I was fine, then no one would ask. It was oh so easy putting on the “mask.” “We wear the mask” like Paul Lawrence Dunbar would say; shoot this was easy I wore it all night and all day.

At the age of 21 the game had changed, I was raped by this older man; I don’t even remember his name.

I had my support from my friends, and my twin sister Brandi; but I never found the support inside of me.

I hated who I was and I didn’t want it to be; but I played the game so long I thought, “Hey this must be me”

I suppressed my feelings inside because I had become someone I hate; to the point, I just needed any encounter so I began to masturbate.

I felt like a drug addict; I had to have it, it was a need, a must, there was no escaping this drug of choice, what did I call it? Oh yea… lust!

This cycle repeated again, & again, continuously for years, to the point I stopped shedding tears.

This is when I became consumed with fear; oh my God what if I will never be free?!?! Will this spirit of lust always live inside of me?

I would tell my friends, trying to do the right thing. At this point in my life I knew it was important to have accountability.

I was tired of the lies! No more secrets! Time to be honest and speak the truth!

This was the only way I was going to make it through.

The truth will set you free. That’s what it says in the Word;

I wanted to soar in the sky; I wanted my voice to be heard.

I was doing good… I was feeling strong… I was finally feeling free;

But as soon as I would meet someone, out jumped that lust inside of me. Oh no not again, will this sin ever END!!

We fall down but we get up, for a saint is just a sinner who fell down, but got up. How many times must I fall Lord? Will I ever be free?

Or should I just stay on the ground, for this sin is beating me.

Defeated; cast down, but I knew I was not destroyed!

All I wanted was to join another Army so yep I enlisted so I would get deployed. So in the front line I stand with my internal wounds exposed! I die to my flesh, heart, mind body, and soul.

I am ready to be free; I need Jesus to take control.

Each day I stand on the front line dying daily to my flesh, each day I don’t sin, I am passing the test.

I am walking in purpose, I am soaring, & sailing the sea, this game is over press the keys end Ctrl- Alt-Delete. I am free!

Thank you Candi for sharing your story with us. I pray it will help others who struggle with the same things realize they are not alone and there is freedom in Christ! Follow her on Instagram to stay updated on her content.

Baskets of Blessings!

Nina D.

Feeling Far From God Because of Sin: 6 Ways on How To Connect With God Again

December 7, 2015 Nina Daugherty 8 Comments

Updated: February 2, 2019

Feeling Far From God Because of Sin: 6 Ways on How To Connect With God Again

Feeling far from God because of sin is common amongst Christians, but how do you fix it? There are definitely ways on how to connect with God again and as long as we have breath it’s never too late.

What does it look like when God seems far away?

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Ask yourself these questions, Do you feel like God isn’t listening to you anymore? Somehow you no longer feel His presence? Have you ever wondered why?

There will be a moment or moments in your walk with the Lord when you feel like He is far away. It can be due to different reasons. One of the reasons I have found, is when we are involved in sexual sin.

Our bodies are the temple of God.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?” (1 Cor. 6:19)

There will be conflict within us when we are not being obedient to God’s command in this area.

This conflict translates to God feeling far away. However, God’s presence has not changed because He does not change. Its our hearts that have run away.

“I am the LORD, and I do not change (Mal. 3:6)”

We in fact have changed our position while the Lord waits in His.

Our hearts and the deception of the enemy can twist the reality of our circumstances.

So what do we do?

Sometimes when you’ve been sitting in this deception for so long, we desperately need a fresh perspective, a breath of fresh air. Let’s look at it like this, what if we took this time of your life and used it for what its supposed to be used for?

A chance for an honest and deeper relationship with God, a chance for God to help you get to know Him, really know Him (Jer. 9:23-24), a chance to pursue Him as He has pursued you (Psalm 139:1-18), a chance to experience Him in a real way, and a chance for Him to remind you of your worth and His everlasting love for you (Jer. 31:3).

Any relationship that has depth requires time and becomes more significant through trial.

“I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me (Prov. 8:17).

This includes your relationship with God. He is a relational God and because we were created in His image and likeness we are in the relationship business too!

Lets start with truth and then head on to the suggestions and questions.

Truth: He is NOT far away.

There are several scriptures that declare and confirm this truth, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; ?I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (see also Isa. 41:10, also Deut. 31:8, Josh. 1:9, Matt. 28:20, Heb. 4:16). He is there. Yes, even if you made mistakes, even if you still feel like running, even if you feel like you’ve gone too far!

One step in repentance erases a thousand steps of disobedience.

Here are some suggestions and questions to help start the conversation that needs to be had, probably for a long time coming now. These are just some that have helped me, feel free to add on, and make it more personal to you.

I pray it will deal with those wounds and the deception you have sat in for too long. I pray this will be the beginning to a beautiful journey of healing, restoration, new inspiration, and whatever is lacking or has completely been destroyed in your relationship with God.

How do we get to a place of repentance (asking for forgiveness and reestablishing your relationship with Christ)? Let’s take a look.

6 Ways on How To Connect With God Again

1) Set aside personal alone time–

Take real time away from EVERYONE and sit with God. Think and decide on a time, place, and area. It’s hard to hear from Him when we are so busy with life (Psalm 32:6).

So shut off your phone, turn off the TV, and just focus in.

2) Bring your bible and a journal–

Write down any scriptures you find and record this journey as a whole.

Sometimes it’s good to get down on paper what’s been on your mind and nice to look back at how far along you’ve come.

Write it ALL out. Doubts, anger, hurt, whatever comes to mind. It’s ok, he can handle it.

3) Address the questions–

Ask any and every question in your heart. There are some below to help get you started but there may be some you’ve already had. Maybe for a while now.

You are the son or daughter of the Almighty King. We are allowed and welcomed to enter His courts with our questions (John 16:24). He wants them because HE has the answers.

4) Search and wait for the answer–

God speaks to us in many ways. Be on the look out for the answer but make sure it lines up with biblical truth (1 John 4:1).

It can be through dreams, sermons, Godly people in our life, etc.

Whichever way it comes to you, you’ll start to learn how God speaks to you. Start listening and looking for Him.

5) Be patient–

Your answer may come right away or it may take a while. It might take one session or many sessions. Don’t give God a time limit or it will limit your time with God (Psalm 27:13-14).

Also, remember sometimes the answer is simply trusting God. Even if the answer doesn’t come the way you thought it would, 100% answered, or you don’t understand it.

6) Keep going before your God until there is peace–

Sometimes we get the answer we seek and other times all we get is peace. Be okay with the peace (Philip. 4:7). It is a gift from God.

There will always some mystery to Him and His ways. It’s the trust that helps fill in the gaps.

Questions for Spiritual Growth:

1) Are you angry with God?

Is there a deep wound that hasn’t been addressed with God? Why did this person have to die? Why didn’t this relationship work out? Why am I raising this baby by myself?

Is there a question in your heart that you are desperate to know? Is this question causing anger? Why?

Anger tends to be the result of hurt, an open wound. It is the flower and not the root.

2) What do you believe about God?

I asked this question second because sometimes our pain is too real and it can be deafening or desensitizing to the Voice of God. Its better to work out the first question and then come to sit with this one.

WHAT do you believe about God?

Its one thing to say you believe in God but WHAT do you believe about Him? For instance, do you believe Him when He says He loves you? Do you believe He never changes and He Himself is love so because of that His love will never change for you? (I know that is a mouthful..you might want to reread that..loll)

Taking time to LEARN about the attributes of God is putting work into the MOST important relationship of all.

Take a systematic theology class (it teaches you in depth about the many elements of your faith), buy the book and study it on your own, or ask for help in studying it outside of a classroom setting. Sometimes churches will offer this in the form of Sunday school classes.

3) Are your mistakes or the trauma that has happened to you bigger than your God?

It’s not to diminish what has happened to you but rather diminish its power over you.

Really ask yourself these questions. Are the mistakes you’ve made, regardless of how many, too much for God to handle? Is the trauma allowed to still hold you hostage?

Did the power of His death on the cross allow you to life differently?

Whether it’s a big mistake or a whole bunch of mistakes, did His death not cover ALL of them?

Have you accepted Him as your Lord and Savior over ALL these things?

Do you know that your God is bigger than ANY trauma and will help you move on to the next second, minute, day of your life?

“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8: 37-39).

What truth can you find in this scripture?

4) Is there anything else you are hanging onto that you can’t seem to let go?

Are there any questions you haven’t addressed?

Sometimes we hold back the hard questions because we may feel like God doesn’t care, we don’t want to make Him angry or be disrespectful, or we don’t know HOW to ask Him the hard questions.

What is a hard question? It could be anything that feels stuck in your spirit. Maybe you want to know why you got raped, maybe you want to know why a breakup had to happen, or maybe you read something in the bible you don’t agree with.

What are these question to you? If you don’t want to go there, why not? Is it too painful? Do you not trust that God has healing for you? This goes back to Question #2. What do you believe about God?

Again, this is just a starting ground to help close the gap between you and God. Make it personal!

I pray this time will be a time of healing, restoration, and peace for you to move forward another day. I pray this will help you step back in the future and the plans He has for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

I pray the Lord will send you a group of amazing, life speaking, encouraging, and supporting people to help you on this journey of healing but first take time for you and your Creator!

Baskets of Blessings!

Nina Daugherty

Teenage Prayers: A Prayer for Holiday Loneliness

November 26, 2015 Nina Daugherty Leave a Comment

Updated: Jan. 15, 2019

Teenage Prayers: A Prayer for Holiday Loneliness

Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I lift up all those lonely people who may not have anyone to share these holidays with. I pray we are reminded that not everyone has somewhere to go or may have lost relationships and in this we must look around to see or hear of anyone who would be alone during these times. I pray You will open the eyes of those around them and extend invitations for fellowship. I pray they will find comfort in the company they are in.

I also pray for those relationships that may be broken and I ask for Your Divine direction in taking steps to heal those relationships. I pray for a softening of hearts, ears that are receptive, and sight for the truth. I pray apologies will help to bring closure, healing and restoration, and creating of new experiences together. I pray for family to once again laugh together. I pray we will have Your eyes in seeing each other with new inspiration. I pray against anything that seeks to keep family and marriages in bondage.

I pray even with this prayer if someone still finds themselves alone they will take this time to focus on You. I pray they will sit with You and just reflect, pray, and be thankful for those things that are present in their life and not absent. I pray You will fill their hearts with peace and contentment. I pray they will KNOW they have a purpose, they are loved, and they are noticed by an Almighty God who hears our cries even without tears. I pray You will be more than enough and our significance isn’t measured by how many people we have around us but by Who You are in our life. I pray they will feel and know Your presence is with them always.

I pray all these things in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ, Amen!

Blessings!

Praying Scriptures

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isa. 41:10)

“Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” (Heb. 13:1-2)

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” (Psalm 27:10)

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (John 14:18)

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah” (Psalm 62:8)

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

Basket of Blessings,

Nina Daugherty

Christian Dating Tips: Am I Relationship Material?

November 23, 2015 Nina Daugherty Leave a Comment

Updated: January 10, 2018

Christian Dating Tips: Am I Relationship Material?

Am I relationship material? Sometimes getting into a relationship can be easy but the decision of whether or not you should can be is a tricky one. For those of you that don’t know, I have a teenage daughter and there are certain signs I wanted to see in my daughter before she would be allowed to date.

One of these signs was for her to be emotionally stable (stable meaning healthy, strong, bearing fruit from the Holy Spirit).

If you happen to be wondering if she is emotionally stable, yes she is. I just knew this had to be requirement before I would allow her to affect someone else’s life especially during the teenage years because that’s an age where foundations are built.

Well, what does this look like? We will get into that in a moment but for now I want you to ask yourself this question, “Am I emotionally stable for a relationship?” Some of you may already know the answer, some of you might not, and some of you may not even care but I want you to really take this time to step outside of yourself and take a look within.

It’s important to know because you are affecting someone else’s life when you choose to date.

It’s an investment and an exchange between two people. The question is, what are we exchanging and is it healthy? (Okay so maybe there are going to be more than 5 questions to ask yourself..way more..loll!) As followers of Christ, we want people to experience life with us as a way to bring them closer to God and not pull them farther away from Him or question His existence altogether!

When I say, “emotionally” I want you to understand that emotions aren’t the problem.

We are emotional creatures. God gave us emotions as part of our nature that in turn resembles His nature (Gen. 1:27, Gen. 5:1). However, not being in control of our emotions can be destructive.

Like a tornado, uncontrolled emotions can create a path of destruction that can either ultimately destroy relationships with those around us and take years to rebuild.

If my daughter weren’t emotionally stable, I would not allow her to date. The reason being this, I would not want to put on somebody the responsibility of her emotional health because they could not fulfill her need. Only Christ can do that. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t try to make her happy because that’s not their “responsibility”. What I’m saying is, if she is internally emotionally bleeding its not in their expertise to fix it. Again, only Christ can do that.

This leads to my next question, “Have you accepted Christ into your life?” If the answer is yes, then you need to release the excuse/reason of, “Well this is just the way I am…”. When we accept Christ, we are a NEW creation (2 Cor. 5:17, Eze. 36:26). This means we are called to start again. We need to start thinking and acting differently.

Even in the area of mental illness (however that may affect you, emotional trauma, PTSD, anxiety attacks, etc.), it is in the power and authority the Lord Jesus Christ gave us, to seek out help, find ways to start winning in that area of our life, and be reminded that God makes all things new even the scars in our mind that people don’t see (2 Peter 1:3, Philip. 2:12-13).

If you haven’t accepted Christ, what’s holding you back? I recommend bringing those questions/reasons with a respectful heart before the Lord and ask for Him to help you and bring people around you who can help answer those questions.

So, how do you know if you’re emotionally stable? What should you look for not just in your life but also in the life of someone you may be interested in? Here are 5 Question Areas to reflect on:

Christian Dating Tips: Am I Relationship Material? Questions to Ask

1) Identity–

Are you Christ-centered? Are they Christ-centered? You may get tired of me bringing up Christ but the reality of my job is to turn your eyes to Him. The reason being, He is God, He loves you, He is where all blessings flow, gives you the strength, sight and discernment (being able to tell judge well or obtain sharp perceptions as per google), and when everything fails, relationships, dreams, He will ALWAYS be your constant.

He is the Rock under your feet from which you can stand when you get knocked down. Hallelujah! (Sorry I get Holy Spirit excited sometimes…okay a lot of times…lollol)

He can handle all your emotion because He is God not someone else. We as humans are unable to be someone’s God. We will always fail. We also have to remember that He is concerned about the other person’s emotional health as well so if we aren’t being good stewards of other people, He will take them out of your life.

2) Independence–

Are you able to think for yourself? Are you firm with your convictions (meaning those things that are really important in your life…like God?) Do you have your own opinion and are not afraid to voice it (with gentleness and respect of course)? Do you have activities YOU like to do? Are you okay with just being by yourself?

These are important questions because when you are constantly swayed by people’s opinions then it could put you in a dangerous situation. For instance, like keep you in an abusive relationship including sexual, emotional, and physical.

Learn who YOU are first before getting involved in a relationship and how to be on your own. Remember, it doesn’t matter who you are with because you will still be there so if you are in relationship after relationship wondering why things aren’t working out, it may be something YOU need to work on.

There is a great freedom in being able to walk this world as a single person in peace where God has you.

3) Fruit–

What kind of fruit are you producing? “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” (Gal. 5:22-23). These are all healthy traits of someone who is emotionally stable. Do you have a warm and inviting spirit or do people tend to run in the opposite direction when you’re around?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a little spice (my husband calls me Puerto-Rican Spice for a reason) but it should only enhance these other traits and not take away. With everything there must be balance only found in walking with Christ.

Look for the fruit in your own character or ask someone to be your mirror and help you adjust where you need to (you do NOT need a boyfriend or girlfriend for this…try a trusted friend, family member, mentor, Pastor, you get the point).

Take a look around at your life but don’t get discouraged, get motivated to start doing better. It can be done!

4) Standards–

Do you have a standard or do you just say “yes” to WHOEVER will show you attention?

The purpose of a relationship isn’t to make YOU the center of the universe.

I suffered from this and I ended up just using people for my own needs. A relationship consists of two people who look to each other to fulfill an intimate yearning placed there by our Creator (Gen. 2:18). It’s to tangibly feel on this earth what our Creator feels for us and in this process we are made better individually (if it is healthy and you honor this relationship according to God’s decrees…see Psalm 119:9). However, with someone who is emotionally unstable, a relationship tends to become a numbing device, band-aid for a gaping wound, comfort blanket, you name it.

Heal yourself first and ask God for direction when you want to take the next step.

5) Add on–

Is there anything else you can add to this list? Are there other traits or milestones you feel you need to reach in order to become emotionally stable? Do you feel you are emotionally stable and find this as affirmation as to maybe taking the next step with someone?

This list isn’t the end all list of questions for this topic.

Spend time with God and ask Him if there is anything HE would like to add on! Pay attention to anything pops up even if it doesn’t make sense at first. He will lead you in the right direction.

Now if reading this article, you find yourself falling under the emotionally unstable category this doesn’t mean you are going to be single forever or there is no hope for you (with Jesus there is ALWAYS hope…praise God for that). It just means you may need to take some time to sit with your Creator and allow Him to speak into those places that are broken, sad, depressed, maybe suicidal, scared, anxious, or whatever “the hurt” looks like to you.

It’s worth your future to pause life in relationships and work on you while still keeping your eyes on Him.

I pray you will find healing and restoration in all the areas needed. I pray you realize we are not perfect and perfection isn’t a prerequisite for entering any relationship but we all should be aware of those areas that can be destructive and tend to the most needed areas first. I pray you will hear God in every step and be sensitive to the time when you are given the okay to move forward. I pray all of this in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ, amen!

Baskets of Blessings!

Nina Daugherty